The “Lean In” movement promised women they could have it all if they just worked hard enough. But recent revelations about corporate culture at major tech companies reveal a troubling disconnect between this empowering message and the harsh realities faced by working parents—especially mothers—in demanding executive roles.

The Myth of Individual Achievement

While I haven’t personally read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, the core message has permeated professional culture: women can achieve career success and family fulfillment through sheer determination and strategic leaning in. However, reading Careless People and examining real workplace experiences exposes the fundamental flaw in this philosophy.

The truth is that successful women in executive leadership roles with families don’t typically “do it all” alone, despite public narratives suggesting otherwise. As a mother with an incredibly involved partner who shares all parenting and household responsibilities equally, I can attest that even with this level of support, “having it all” remains an impossible standard.

The Corporate Culture Problem

What makes the Lean In philosophy particularly damaging isn’t just its oversimplification—it’s the hypocrisy revealed when we examine how it’s actually practiced by its most visible advocates. The disconnect becomes glaring when we consider the army of support staff—nannies, housekeepers, and home management professionals—that enable high-level executives to maintain their demanding schedules.

The Hidden Infrastructure of Success

The stories emerging from Sarah Wynn-Williams’ experience at Facebook and other major tech companies paint a disappointing picture of corporate environments that pay lip service to work-life balance while maintaining cultures fundamentally hostile to family life:

• Pregnancy Secrecy: When Wynn-Williams felt she couldn’t disclose her pregnancy to Facebook executives before being virtually abandoned in a foreign country, it signals a toxic workplace culture that views parenthood as a liability rather than a normal life stage.

• “Real Life” Rejection: Corporate cultures that discourage discussion of children or family responsibilities create an impossible standard where employees must compartmentalize their humanity to succeed professionally.

• After-Hours Expectations: Wynn-Williams’ experience of taking West Coast calls while managing East Coast family schedules—with her baby’s cries audible in the background—demonstrates how these roles are structured for people without primary caregiving responsibilities.

The Burnout Blueprint

This philosophy creates a dangerous blueprint for burnout, particularly harmful to:

Single Parents: Who lack the partner support system that many successful executives rely on, yet are told they should be able to achieve the same results through individual effort.

Primary Caregivers: Often women, who shoulder disproportionate domestic responsibilities while being expected to maintain the same professional trajectory as colleagues with minimal home duties.

Working Parents Generally: Who internalize feelings of inadequacy when they can’t meet impossible standards that successful role models achieve only through extensive hired help.

The Leadership Paradox: Why “Don’t Lean Back” Is Bad Advice

One particularly problematic piece of Lean In advice is the directive to avoid “leaning back” before taking parental leave. The recommendation to work until the very last moment—exemplified by sending emails while literally in labor—represents fundamentally flawed leadership thinking.

The Case for Strategic Stepping Back

Effective leadership requires building systems and teams that function independently. The sign of exceptional leadership isn’t being indispensable; it’s creating structures that thrive in your absence. Consider these benefits of gradual delegation before leave:

Team Development: Stepping back gradually allows team members to grow into expanded responsibilities with your guidance and support.

Continuity Planning: Proper delegation ensures projects continue smoothly rather than stalling during your absence.

Reduced Stress: Both for the departing leader and the team who won’t be scrambling to fill sudden gaps.

Professional Reputation: Demonstrating that your leadership has built sustainable systems reflects better on your capabilities than being the bottleneck for all decisions.

Reframing the Conversation

Instead of perpetuating the myth that individual women can “have it all” through personal optimization, we need honest conversations about:

Systemic Change Requirements

Real progress requires acknowledging that work-life balance isn’t an individual challenge to overcome but a systemic issue requiring:

• Corporate Culture Reform: Companies must create environments where discussing family needs doesn’t damage career prospects
• Structural Support: Businesses should provide or facilitate access to childcare, flexible scheduling, and genuine family leave policies
• Leadership Modeling: Executives must demonstrate healthy boundaries and family prioritization rather than glorifying unsustainable work habits

Honest Resource Assessment

Success stories should include honest acknowledgment of the support systems that make them possible. When leaders share their journeys, transparency about nannies, housekeepers, extended family support, and partner contributions provides realistic context for others trying to follow similar paths.

Moving Forward: A More Honest Approach

The most damaging aspect of the current narrative isn’t that some people have access to resources that enable career success—it’s the pretense that these advantages don’t exist or matter. This dishonesty sets unrealistic expectations and creates unnecessary guilt for those working within different constraints.

True progress comes from recognizing that sustainable career success for parents requires both individual strategy and systemic support. Instead of asking women to lean in harder to broken systems, we should focus on building workplaces that accommodate the full spectrum of human experience.

The goal shouldn’t be having it all—it should be creating environments where professional success doesn’t require sacrificing family well-being or maintaining the fiction that superhuman individual effort can overcome structural inequalities.

Until we address these fundamental issues, the Lean In philosophy will continue to harm more people than it helps, perpetuating cycles of burnout and inadequacy among those trying to achieve impossible standards without acknowledging the full picture of what success actually requires.

What are your thoughts on the “having it all” narrative? Share your experiences with work-life balance in the comments below.